Knock three times..

For whatever reason the song, "Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me... twice on the pipes, if the answer is no..." is running through my mind.

It's raining outside and I'm feeling melancholy but also ecstatic. Why melancholy? Cause I need to feel this way in order to get over and move on from the man who used me up and broke my heart. I'm not talking about my ex-husband either.

Ohhhh.. to be dramatic and pissy when I want to be, what freedom!

And the fact that you, dear reader, are sticking around to read this, what fun!  ;)

On to the ecstatic part.  Yesterday my ex informed me that he had all of $4 to his name until his next paycheck.  I would have been totally petty by telling him he needed to stop spending his money on the chicky he calls a girlfriend, but that's just not grown-up... and I'm trying to be a grown-up.  He came through for me a couple of months ago when I came back from New England.  I had less than $4 to my name and he was sweet enough to deposit money early so that I'd have something to live on until payday.  What goes around comes around... I gave him some of the alimony/child support back he had given me so that he'd be able to make ends meet - particularly with our daughter around him this week.

That made me feel good.  Helping the person who totally broke my heart and turned my world on its ear by leaving me to make my own way, (when my life revolved around him and our family,) was a real blessing for me.  I gave without strings and was happy to do it.  That was a true gift.  And then this morning I received an email from my mother-in-law that she was sending me a small bundle of money and to blow it on myself.  Wow!  The universe works!

So what am I going to do with said money?  I'm taking a road trip back up to Maine during the end of September.  I'll take my dog Boo with me and hit the beaches, see the fall leaves, and NOT see the man who used me up and broke my heart.  This is almost like a spiritual journey, and I'm so thankful to be going on it.

Lesson learned?  Give without attachment, give in love and gratitude, and the blessing you receive (while in this case monetary, but not always,) will truly be worth more than you gave.

Now.. to learn how to leave the Eric alone who took advantage of me and used me up.  Maybe the lesson there is to stay away from all Erics.

All Eyes on Me

I've been working out for the past three weeks and I'm starting to feel real results.  Yesterday in hoop class I was able to keep my arms up longer and keep the hoop going in a circle.  Today when I weighed myself though.. oy.  Gained three pounds from the day before.  WTH?

My ultimate goal is to be fit and have exercise a routine part of my life.  I want to feel good about my muscles working with the coordinated effort of keeping me going. I want to stop having panic attacks when I work too hard.  I want to look healthy.

Everything on me is feeling better today.  Couldn't sleep last night and was up with a case of insomnia.  Don't think it will be a problem today AT ALL.  I'm ready to drop off now.

Sorry for my incoherent ramblings.. just feeling out of sorts.  Did something I probably shouldn't have in emailing said old flame in what feels like a pathetic attempt at reconciliation.  Oy vey... I'm going to go find something productive to do.

Owwww...

"Pain is temporary!"  This is my trainer's motto.  My muscles are aching and my hands are shaky today from the sheer amount of "exercise" (i.e. torture,) I've been through in the last 24 hours.  I'm thinking of a new motto.  "Pain is temporary, but soreness LAAAA-AAAASSSTS..."

I've been told that the pain will be worse in the days following exercising.  If that's true I might as well give it up now.  I train two days a week with a trainer, have one class a week learning how to hula hoop, and two days a week I can be found at the YMCA working out on the treadmill and with the bands.  That means that during the course of a week I have 2 days where I'm at rest, which isn't really the case because I have yard work and now have a huge-ass dog to train on the weekends.  OUCH!  Pain is temporary, but soreness lasts... I'm going to be in soreness for a long long time.  :)

In all of this is some lesson I haven't grasped yet.  I think it's something about taking care of myself first.  I'm taking care of myself by trying to kill me with exercise.  But it's a good lesson.  I have goals now that I'm working towards.  I'm going to reward myself with a massage soon, and ultimately will have a friend of mine take some professional pictures of me in my Halloween get-up.  I'll look disturbingly sexy as a Calavera Catrina.

So maybe I should start wearing this soreness as a badge of honor.  It's a sign that I'm thriving as a survivor, and overcoming pain in order to live my life as I intend.  That's a helluva lot more productive than whining about it.  On to hoop class tonight!

Better than ever...

Okay, so maybe "Better than ever" is a bit of stretch with the current state of my life, but I'm a thousand times removed from the place I wallowed in after my now ex-husband left the picture.

It's been a year since I attempted keeping a blog.  I haven't really kept a blog for a lot of reasons, chief among them was the excuse that I'm WAY too busy to be writing during the time I need to concentrate on being a single mom.  Just as moms aren't born, they're made, so too are single moms.  I thought I'd conquered this mothering thing and was finding a groove when oops! husband leaves and I've got to learn the whole "single mom" thing.  THAT was a learning curve!  Actually it was more of a loop than a curve... I digress...

Other reasons I haven't kept a blog were those typical ones... we all know what those are.  *Wink*wink*nod* in case this is being read by someone I didn't intend it for.  Unintended audiences can get me in trouble the quickest.

So.. here I am at the start of keeping an online journal again.  I have a good life right now.  Haven't lost any weight in over a year, but now have the joy of going into the red each month and begging for money because I've hired a personal trainer to whip me into shape.  My daughter is adjusting to life with me and has been playing her father and I against each other each chance she's gotten.. though we're conquering that hurdle.  Ex isn't really in the picture anymore - I went suicidal when he started dating, so it's better to keep my distance.  As for the dating scene.. woo.. I can pick me some losers.  The upshot to that is I never do things halfway... if I pick a loser, baby, I go all the WAY.

(Hi to his married girlfriend, btw.  The reason he doesn't want us to know anything about each other is exactly what you think if you're thinking it's because we've been up to no good together.)

Oh, and have I mentioned that I'm going to be brutually honest here?  No sugarcoating for me.  Not anymore.

So.. come along with me on this journey I'm on to find myself again.  I hope I'll be entertaining enough to make you laugh, make you cry, make you mad, and make you think.

Cheers!